Friday, 25 April 2014

The Wedding at Cana

And so Jesus said unto them, ‘behold, the water is now wine.’ And Peter drank of the wine, and he spake in amazement, saying ‘verily, it is the best wine I have ever had,’ and he took another slug. And Jesus said unto him ‘easy on that stuff, man. It’ll sit you on your ass.’ But Peter heeded him not, having already wandered off to see what Mary Magdalene was up to.
And the hosts of the party were amazed, for the guests were stumbling up to them, saying with sweet breath, ‘this wine is flippin’ excellent. Why were you holding out on us before?’ So they thanked Jesus thus: ‘thanks Jesus. That was pretty sweet.’ And Jesus was all ‘that’s cool. Can I crash here tonight?’ And they spake unto him ‘oh fo sho.’

Then did Judas arrive at the party, and he said to Jesus ‘how come you didn’t invite me to this man? I had to hear about it from Mark?’ And Jesus said ‘it’s not really my place to invite you to someone else’s wedding’, to which Judas replied ‘right. You can turn water into wine, but you can’t wrangle a simple invitation. Didn’t your Dad make Pharaoh disobey him with that Jedi mind trick shit? You never hook a brother up,’ and he stalked off with malice in his eyes. And Jesus said aside to John ‘I’m going to have to keep an eye on that guy. He’s becoming kind of a dick.’ To which John spake: ‘no doubt.’
And then John, being merry from the wine, and possibly some of that strong desert hash, asked unto Jesus ‘what is a Jedi mind trick doe?’ And Jesus said unto John, ‘who knows? Judas always be saying crazy shit when he’s mad.’ But in his heart he knew that Judas had obtained knowledge of the force, whereby his miracles were performed, and he knew he must try to steer him away from the Dark Side, lest it consume him.

And then John said, ‘where’s all the bitches up in hurr?’ but it was late, and the party winding down, and all the good-looking women had been snatched up by the rich man and Pharisees, who were currently trying to get their camels through the eyes of needles, if thou catchest my drift. So John spotted a couple of the end-of-the-night kind of girls over by the Coke machine, and he wandered over to them to chat.
But presently he returned, saying unto Jesus, ‘they aint feeling it. I told them I was with the wine guy, but I guess you’re not famous enough yet.’ So Jesus waved his hand, and the girls’ attitude changed from sour to inviting. And Jesus winked at John and said ‘go get ’em.’ And John rushed away. And Jesus smiled unto himself and said ‘now that’s some Jedi shit.’

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