Saturday, 13 October 2012

Retellings


The O.Z.

For god so loved the world that, instead of, like, clicking his fingers and making everything ok (which, being god, he probably could’ve done; unless, being the only thing around when he was named, he was logically ‘supreme’ compared with everyone else), and also getting rid of cancer and tourettes at the same time (which, also, he presumably could do, if the mantle of ‘god’ means anything at all), he instead decided to send his son (who was also somehow himself (cloning?)) to die to put right the errors of the error-prone humans he’d created (seemingly having no idea of how justice works, strangely); and also, at the same time coming up with a story (about his son/self coming back from the dead) so ludicrous that only morons/those with a keen interest in zombie literature could ever be expected to take it seriously.

I heard the other day from Some Guy (so you have no way of verifying my story), that George A. Romero has been approached by a major studio to make a movie in his inimitable style, about the above strangeness; it's already being billed as the father of all zombie stories, and is the moment when humanity first realises that crucifixion doesn't kill a zombie. Depending on success, the studio is aiming to have the film be the first in a three-part series which they hope will spawn a new 'crucifiction' genre. Monty Python frontman Terry Gilliam was imagined by someone to have said 'well, the whole genre was started by us, really.'

The second movie is likely to be a prequel based around the character of Lazarus, who, despite returning from the dead, nobody ever thought to ask what it was like. Scientists have since confirmed that the most likely reason for this, is that nobody really wants to get close enough to a zombie to ask these things. The lack of any real eloquence on the part of a zombie is also prohibitive.

The third movie will likely be a pre-prequel, which would deal in some way with god accidentally biting the inside of his mouth while eating an ice-cream, spitting out a piece of flesh, and thereby creating his zombie son. The boy, who he eventually came to care for enough to send him away to be killed, was called Jesus because that was the expletive god used when he bit the inside of his mouth, creating a strange causality loop. Romero's agent has yet to release any statement, though I'd be surprised that if one is released, it doesn't go something like '...what?!'

Finally, if the franchise takes off a teen version for TV (tentatively nicknamed The O.Z. - original zombie) could be next to hit our screens. Some Guy told me that a lot of the zombies' lines would be lifted straight from episodes of The Valleys, for a nominal fee. It is thought that Joss Whedon would be the logical point of call for the director. I, for one, hope that Some Guy hasn't just made all this up. The world needs more Whedon, and that's for true.

Moses vs Pharoah

And Moses said unto Pharoah: let my people go innit.
And Pharoah was like: or what? You don't know me. You don't live in my pyramid.
And so Moses was all like: you best believe I'ma bring some pestilence and blood and frogs and shit all up on yo shit if you ain't do what I says.
So Pharoah be like: is that all? That's Mondays around here bitch. Dis is the ghetto.
So Moses said: how about I get my boy G to the O D to kill ALL your first-born sons.
And so Pharoah was all: that seems REALLY excessive, man. Those are just kids. They didn't even have anything to do with it.
And so Moses was like: well, the G in GOD stands for Gangsta, so let my motherfuckin people go or he's busting caps in all those boy bitches!
And then G made Pharoah say no. And then he blamed him for saying no. And then a lot of young boys got killed.
This is the Word of the Lord. Or maybe just me. But it's fairly similar.

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